Thursday, December 23, 2010

X-Mas Letter 2010

Dear friends and family,

I hope this letter finds you all well. Can you believe another year has gone by already? With all of our busy schedules, I know we don’t have the time to see each other as often as we’d like. So, I wanted to share with you some highlights from our 2010…


January – Unfortunately, my New Year’s resolution to quit drunk-dialing Ms. Swoosie Kurtz didn’t last long. On the bright side, I got a chance to talk to her head of security and several kind police officers… they seemed like really cool guys.

February – Took my best gal Debbie out for a special Valentine’s Day. Limo picked her up and took her to the spa for a day of beauty: message, facial, mani/pedi... the works. Next, it was off to a cozy, Italian dinner by candlelight, a dessert of champagne and strawberries and dancing until 2am. We came home and I made sweet, sweet love to her for hours... Then I stuck her back in her hole in the basement where she belongs.

In other news, we celebrated Black History Month just as Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X would’ve wanted… we marched to the TV and watched the House of Payne marathon on TBS!

March – St. Patrick’s Day, the day we honor the hero who drove the snakes out of Ireland. I spent most of this month trying to drive my snake of a mother-in-law out of our guest room.

April – More crying and masturbation.

May – Finished reading the Necronomicon this month. Boy, I just could not put that thing down! In other big news, Bobby choked out his first drifter! They really do grow up so fast.

June – I finally started my new job! The schedule is pretty grueling, but my colleagues and managers were really patient with me as I got up to speed and the clients are all pretty easy to work with. The only thing that sucked was coming out of pocket to buy my own ball gag. I thought a classy place like The Happy Hole would’ve provided them, but maybe it’s a health code thing.

July – Mid-summer bummer… turns out those Stevie Ray Vaughn & Double Trouble reunion concert tickets were counterfeit.

August – Took a family vacation up to New York to visit Uncle Eddie. It seems like it’s been so long since we’ve seen him. Afterwards, I stopped by the warden’s office and told him to make sure that asshole never gets out of maximum security. Meanwhile, Debbie spent most of this month recovering from her elective episiotomy.

September – Back to School time! Apparently, Tammy’s teachers didn’t think she’s quite “third-grade material”, but whatevs. A grade ain’t nothing but a number.

October – Spent another Halloween sitting on the couch and stuffing my face full of fun-sized bits of sadness and regret. Plus, Junior came home to visit for Passover. He never was all that great with calendars.

November – Enjoyed a traditional Thanksgiving with the kids. Had a dinner of turkey, deer, berries, squash, cornbread and beans… then we beat the ever-lovin’ fuck out of an Indian family. So thankful for family, friends and good health.

December – Winter arrived this month with a blustery “hello”. Shoveled the snow out of Mrs. Merkelson’s driveway… She was so appreciative that she invited me in for some hot chocolate, homemade snickerdoodles and head. Of course, I didn’t take her up on everything, don’t be gross! I hate hot chocolate and snickerdoodles.


Thank you for allowing us to share our 2010 with you. Can’t wait for 2011! From our home to yours, best wishes during this holiday season!

P.S. – Stay black.

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